CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION
I was born modest, but it wore off.
Mark Twain

CHAPTER ONE
Preparation
The art of acting is the ability to do nothing.
Sir Alec Guinness

Why don't you try acting, dear boy.  It's so much easier.
Sir Laurence Olivier

CHAPTER TWO
Your Presentation
A little song, a little dance,
a little seltzer down your pants.
Chuckles the Clown

CHAPTER THREE
Your Cast of Characters
We just don't see you as bald.
Los Angeles casting director

CHAPTER FOUR
Getting Naked in Rehearsal
Is there a nude scene?
Eve, Garden of Eden

CHAPTER FIVE
Taking It on the Road
The true test of a Halloween costume: it's got to let you drink,
dance, and fit through the Men's Room door.
Herb Tajalle

CHAPTER SIX
Stage Presence
Now I want spirits to enforce, art to enchant
Let your indulgence set me free.
The Tempest, William Shakespeare

CHAPTER SEVEN
Of Sites and Sightlines
Let's put on a show!
We can use the old barn!
Judy and Mickey

The play's the thing
Hamlet, William Shakespeare

CHAPTER EIGHT
Warming Up
Act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic!
Dale Carnegie

CHAPTER NINE
Engaging Your Audience
What did you think of the audience?
Loved her, can't stand him!
Hans Conreid

CHAPTER TEN
On-site Etiquette
To succeed in the world,
we do everything we can to appear successful.
Françoise, Duc de la Rochefoucauld

CHAPTER ELEVEN
Audience Members with Disabilities
Who come with varied tongues, but hearts the same
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Get a grip, Jeffrey.  He probably didn't realize you were an
elephant when he told that last joke!
With apologies to Gary Larson

CHAPTER TWELVE
What if NOBODY Shows Up?
I risked everything for adventure; I did my best, and was overthrown
I did not lose, nor could I lose my integrity, and I can still fulfill my promise.
Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervantes Saaverdra

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!
Leslie Gore

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Closing the Sale
When I get a little money, I buy books; and if there is
any left over, I buy food and clothes.
Erasmus

CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Places, Everybody
this really cannot be called courage
until you have swallowed it.
The Wizard of Oz